Yes, this is how I wanted to start my day. How ever did you know, dearest transit authority?

Hanging on to a cracked vinyl strap dangling from a tarnished metal bar with teeth marks, I  sway with each stop and 80 of my closest, sweatiest friends crash in to each other as we make our way to work. The forehead of the small Asian woman that bounces in and out of the armpit of my up-stretched arm is a particular treat.

You have inspired me public transit. Yes, today after work I’m going to buy a car. A big one. Preferably, from 1978 or earlier, and about 18 feet long. I’m going to convert the engine to run on old growth forests and Great Spotted Owl carcasses, and when I park it in the lot at work, I’m gonna let that baby idle all day.